The Ease of Adjustment

I have not been feeling as alone as I was earlier.  Maybe it is because Randy will be coming home in a few days.  Granted he will have to leave again but at least I will have a couple days with him.  He texts and calls me everyday and that keeps me going.  I am doing what I can to get things straightened up for him.  I am beginning to feel what I call normal again.  Granted a load has been lifted off my mind, Lily and I will get some kind of medical coverage. 
I still remain hopeful that MN Care and U-Care will come to an agreement regarding insuring Lily and me.  I have the confirmation for paying my premium, I just don't have the "approval" that goes with it.  Once I get that all important approval, then I can get my meds again.  I have one days worth of meds left and I am terrified what will happen if I have to go off them for ANY length of time.  Even a missed day or two is enough to cause problems.  I just hate when it gets to crunch time and everything is out of my control.  I wish some of the people in charge would have to live with what I live with.  Then they will see the importance that medications play for people.  It isn't as if you can just go off your meds and be fine.  There is a reason we take medication.  I am sure for most of  us, if we didn't need it, we wouldn't be on it.  I know I wouldn't.  But at the moment I have no choice.  My medication allows me to function day to day as a member of society.  Without them, I am unable to function in society.  Sometimes it seems that the state or the county don't really care.  To them you are just a number in the process.  Sometimes not even human.  It is rather a shame that it must be this way. 

Lost In Love

For anyone who is wondering why I blog under here, it is because as Air Supply once said, "I'm Lost In Love And Don't Know Much".  Right now my love, Randy, is somewhere in Chicago, Illinois.  He is there for work and is doing a great job.  He hates being there as much as I hate him being there.  He is going to be a jet setter I guess for the next couple months.  He comes back every other weekend on Saturday and leaves early Monday morning.  It doesn't give much time for homecoming.  As most people who know me, know, I hate being alone.  Even for a little while, I hate it.  I feel incomplete and sad.  For these first four days I have been depressed and lonely even though I am not alone.  My daughter is with me and so is Randy's little brother.  He is residing with us while he finds a place to live.  Our place is close to his work so he walks when he can.  Randy is my companion, my confidante and my everything.  I have tons of things to do, but with him away, I can't seem to concentrate on anything.  I am hoping that it gets better, people are saying it will as long as I keep busy.  I just don't have the heart right now to be busy!! 

Lonliness Revisited

For the first time in my life I am alone. Lily lives with me, so I am not alone really, just without adult companionship. I am soon to be 38. I sleep on a couch in a one bedroom apartment and have few friends. I have always lived with someone. A companion of sorts you could say. It always starts out as hot and heavy and exciting and in the end I end up being a "friend". It is enough to make a woman frustrated! Lily and I are a packaged deal. If a man doesn't want to be a father figure, they need to stay away. My life doesn't work unless my daughter is accepted into a family. She is my life and I won't compromise again. She deserves better. Being divorced produces its own problems. Lily's father sees her every other or every two weekends. He is in her life. We have a pre-assigned meeting place to do the switch. It is exactly half way between the two of us. Everything we are doing is strictly for Lily's benefit. We make it a point to be amicable and calm when around her. We have discussions on the phone about her and it is only benefitting her. However, I still miss the companionship of a man. Men are to me as necessary as eating, sleeping and breathing. Someday I hope to find a man who will love us and have only our best interests at heart. A man who doesn't want to fix us, but wants us around for who and what we are now, not what we "could" or "should" be.